


Slowly, and then all at once.

by Idk_bro_I_just_like_tea



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Online Relationship, Originally Posted Elsewhere, Social Anxiety, Universe Alteration
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-05-12 22:02:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5682418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idk_bro_I_just_like_tea/pseuds/Idk_bro_I_just_like_tea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”~ John Green [The Fault In Our Stars]</p><p>When the nerdy, awkward, careful and quiet Todd Anderson, who suffers from anxiety and prefers staying in his room writing fanfiction transfers to an all boys private school called Welton (otherwise known as Hellton) and becomes roommates with the confident, courageous and charming Neil Perry, who is the star player of the school’s lacrosse team, an A+ student and has looks of a movie star-things can become complicated for the pair as they slowly fall in love.</p><p>Especially considering that Neil is a closeted gay with a controlling and homophobic father and that Todd is still hopelessly in love with his online ex-boyfriend despite his feelings for Neil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This ~ Ed Sheeran

 

 

> _This is the start of something beautiful, this is the start of something new ([X](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P31A_SJWA8c))_

The only thing Todd Anderson was aware of was the awfully familiar feeling of anxiety in the pit of his stomach, his hands curled into fists as his stomach twisted and churned uneasily. He leaned his head against the window, taking in deep, shallow breaths as he tried to settle his nerves.

_Inhale. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten._

_Exhale. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten._

"You okay, bud?" his older brother, Jeffery asked. He turned around briefly, to get a glimpse of Todd before turning his attention back to the road. Todd nodded, even though Jeff couldn't see him. 

"Listen, I know you're not too happy with the whole transfer thing but it's for your own good" Jeff added and Todd scoffed loudly while rolling his eyes at his older brother.  
"And I know you're not happy with the fact that neither Mom or Dad could drop you off but they're busy-"

"They're always busy when I need them for something". A silence fell over the brothers and Jeff sighed and removed a hand from the wheel and ran it through his hair.

"They don't play favorites Todd, you know that"

"When you went to Welton they threw you a 'going away party'"

"You weren't in the right place for a party, Todd. Anyways, you hate parties. You probably would of stormed out of the house if they had a 'going away party' for you" Jeff said looking at Todd through the wing mirror. Todd swallowed the lump in his throat and blinked back the tears that threatened to spill any second.

"They dropped _you_ off when you went to Welton, they barely said goodbye to me" Todd said looking out the window

"Jesus Todd, no need to be so ungrateful" Jeff snapped making Todd flinch slightly and a flash of guilt replaced Todd's anger for a brief moment "Dad enrolled you here so you wouldn't have to go through all that shit again. He did it because he wanted to protect you. He paid a lot of money for you to get into Welton" 

"He did it for himself, he couldn't stand it anymore, living in a house with a _fag_ like me and you know it. If he got the chance to he would of kicked me out, if it weren't for mom" Todd spat out and Jeff turned to look at him dumbfounded

"No...no...Todd...you've got it all wrong" Jeff stamper out and Todd flushed with embarrassment, it was a rare occasion when Todd would say what was on his mind rather than keeping it bottled up.

* * *

"Welcome to Hellton Academy" Jeff announced as they approached Welton campus, a spike of panic surged through Todd as he glanced up at the building that seemed to loom over them treacherously. Jeff got out of the car and popped open the booth of the car, tapping on the window as he passed. Todd got out of the car slowly and glanced around, taking in his surroundings.

"I can't do this" he gasps out as he took in the groups of people flooding into the school, loudly chattering among themselves. There was a buzz in the atmosphere, an excited buzz because despite having to return to Hellton for another year, they get to see their friends after a long summer of being separated. The smell of sunscreen and summer wafted around the campus as students waved goodbye to their parents and rushed off with their friends. Something Todd knew he'll never experience in Welton.

"Don't make me do this, they already _hate_ me"

"You're being paranoid Todd" Jeff said dropping Todd's bags at his feet but Todd paid no attention, he glanced nervously around, feeling every dirty look thrown his way slice through him, cutting him up even more. Jeff gripped his shoulder and squeezed tightly, as if his touch and reassurance would fend off the overwhelming anxiety that was threatening to overcome Todd. For the first time today, Todd was grateful it was Jeff who drove him to Welton instead of his parents. He could never act this way around his parents because they didn't understand Todd, not like the way Jeff understood him.

"Breathe, Todd"

  _ **Inhale. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.  
Exhale. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.  
Inhale. ** _**_Exhale._  **

Jeff smiled slightly at Todd, sending a wave of reassurance through him before glancing around the campus. He let out a low whistle.  
"It feels like yesterday when I was here myself, I was scared, terrified even" Jeff said smiling slightly.  _Yeah, terrified for normal reasons_  Todd thought bitterly. "Mom and Dad told me this was the best preparatory school in the state. They said 'We expect the best from you son-"

"'So don't disappoint us'. Yeah I know, Mom tells me every time she has a glass of wine" Todd finished rolling his eyes. Jeff sighed and slung one of Todd's bags over his shoulder and motioned for Todd to do the same.

"What's your room number?" he asked taking the letter out of Todd's hand, with one glance at the letter he folded it up and without a word, he started walking. Todd struggled to pick up the rest of his bags and hurried after him, nearly tripping over his feet as he attempted to catch up with his brother. They reached his dorm room in no time, Jeff dropped the bag he was carrying and took on long look at his younger brother.

"You need help unpacking?" Jeff asked, shoving his hands into his pockets and shifting from one foot to the other. Todd glanced at the unopened door and shook his head. Jeff clicked his tongue before pulling Todd into a bear hug, squeezing the breath out of him

"If you need anything, and I mean _anything,_  beer or condoms or money, text me, call me, page me. Whatever" Jeff said and Todd let out a chuckle

"You don't even have a pager"

"Well with that attitude, I'm not going to respond to your pages" Jeff retorted and they both laughed in sync and for the first time today, Todd thought _maybe it won't be too bad._ Jeff sighed loudly and checked his watch and his smile dropped. 

"I've got a long drive ahead of me, so I- I guess this is goodbye for now" Jeff said ruffling up Todd's hair before walking off. 

"Bye" Todd mumbled as he watched his brother's retreating figure. He stood there for a couple of minutes, surrounded by his bags, before sighing and turning to the door. He took out the key and unlocked the door and awkwardly shuffled in. To his relief, he was the first one there.

 

* * *

Todd was _just_ finished unpacking when his roommate strutted in (no exaggeration, he _literally_ strutted into the room). He stopped and stared at Todd with a raised eyebrow and Todd stared back, analyzing his new roommate. He had dark brown, almost black, hair and dark eyes. Todd could tell he was cocky and confident from the way he stood, as if he was leaning against an invisible wall and from his smirk.

"You're not Neil.." he said slowly and Todd's stomach twisted with panic. _Did he unpack in the wrong room?_  He swallowed and shook his head.

"T-Todd Anderson"  he stuttered out, his neck and ears immediately burned from embarrassment. 

"Oh, well nice to meet ya Todd. Name's Charlie Dalton" he said as he fell onto the empty bed. Todd sighed quietly, relieved that he didn't bother shaking his hand. Todd glanced uneasily around the room, was he suppose to say something? Offer his side of the room, despite the fact that he was already unpacked? Speaking of unpacked, _where the Hell was Charlie's stuff?_

  
Todd glanced around the room once again before sitting down on his own bed, he took out his laptop from his laptop bag and turned it on, drumming his fingers rhythmically on it as he waited and then stopped when he realized it could possibly be annoying his roommate. He glanced at Charlie, who was spread out on the bed while on his phone before turning his attention back to his laptop. He opened up his browser and while he was waiting for it to load up, he glanced at Charlie again.  
"Stop staring, I mean I know it's physically impossible with my dashing good looks and all" Charlie said not looking up from his phone. Todd blushed and looked back at his laptop screen

"Sor- sorry....bu-t where are you s-stuff?" Todd stuttered out and grimaced as he did.

"Oh, I don't live here, I'm across the hall"

"...Oh..."

  
_Great, there is a stranger who could possibly murder me, in my room_ Todd thought as he opened up his account on _Archive on Our Own._ He smiled slightly as he read the multiple comments left on his Drarry One Shot (where Harry gets bitten by a werewolf on a full moon and the only person who knows is Draco. Instead of telling the whole school. Draco decides to help Harry and in doing so, he learns that he is truly, madly and obsessively in love with Harry Potter) and he replied to each comment, filling them in on the school transfer and the possible murderer lying ten feet away from him. He then proceeded on creating a new Destiel fanfic (where Castiel falls and loses his wings and forgets everything except the man with soft, warm green eyes. On his journey of trying to find him, he discovers some home truths about the situation, like how he refused to kill the man and in return for not carrying out his duty, he became a fallen angel).

He had 800 words wrote when the door opened, and in walked another boy with _bags._

"Rumor has it" Charlie spoke for the first time in a half hour "You did summer school" he said with a lopsided grin that made him appear more approachable Todd thought as he watched the exchange between the two boys.

"Yep, my father thought I should get ahead in biology" the boy responded with a bright smile that made Todd's chest ache. He dropped his bags and walked over to the bed, not noticing Todd yet, and pulled Charlie into one of those jock type hugs, where they slapped each others back with one hand. 

"How's your summer, slick?" he asked before he started unpacking

"Keen" Charlie answered falling back onto the bed, the boy swatted at his legs.

"You have your own bed _and_ room" 

"Yeah but _Cameron_ is in there and if I stay in a room with him on our last day of freedom, I'll probably punch him in the nuts" Charlie said before glancing at Todd, the boy followed his gaze and straightened when he saw Todd.

"Hello, I'm Neil Perry. You're Todd Anderson right? As in Jeffery Anderson's brother?" the boy said, flashing Todd a gentle smile and he extended his hand. Todd nodded and shook his hand, Neil had a handshake that would make his father proud; firm and strong.

"Jeffery Anderson? As in Valedictorian, national merit scholar Jeffery Anderson?" Charlie exclaimed and Todd felt his throat close before nodding. Todd glance at his laptop, debating if he should continue writing before glancing back at Neil. Neil Perry reminded Todd of an over-sized and over-excited puppy; he walked with a bounce in his step and his eyes were gleaming with excitement. But also at the same time, he was the human embodiment of the sun; bright and beautiful. He was slightly taller than Todd, thin and was tanned from the summer sun. He was also extremely handsome, he reminded Todd of movie stars from the 80's who were handsome without even trying to be, he had soft brown eyes and matching hair and he had _cheekbones._   _Christ_. Todd caught himself staring and turned his attention back to his laptop (he wiped his mouth when his back was turned to them, in case he was drooling). 

"Hey guys, did you see the new guy? He looks like a complete stiff" a voice said from the opened door, Todd blushed and wiped his sweaty hands on his pants.

"Cameron you fucking ginger pube" Charlie spat out leaping up from the bed and shoving the boy roughly out of the room and slamming the door shut making Neil bark out a laugh, Todd had a feeling Charlie wasn't defending him but using this as an opportunity to unleash some pent up anger he had against his roommate. Todd felt a hand on his shoulder and he glanced up to see Neil's 100 watt smile

"I wouldn't take it to heart" Neil said patting his shoulder before continuing on with his unpacking

"Cameron's an asshole" Charlie added. Two other boys walked into the room and started talking to Neil and Charlie, Todd glanced around the room and an uneasy feeling churned in the pit of his stomach as he came to the realization that Neil was popular, dread quickly replaced the uneasy feeling when he came to the conclusion that he'll never be able to escape people if he's around Neil because people tend to flock to people like Neil.

"Who's the new kid?" one of the asked after a few minutes. Todd fought back the urge to groan loudly. Neil smiled once again, and Todd felt jealous because Neil could give out smiles as if it was the easiest thing to do, and he patted Todd gently on his back

"This is Todd Anderson", Todd gave them an awkward smile while trying not to blush. He was painfully aware of Neil's hand resting on his back.

"I'm Steven Meeks" said the ginger with large glasses while they shook hands 

"Nice to meet you" he mumbled in response. 

"Knox Overstreet" the tall guy with brown hair introduced himself, reaching for his hand with a large smile, Todd smiled wearily back and shook his hand. He was shaking too many hands. 

"Welcome to Hellton" Knox said grinning widely and exchanging an amused look with the others

"I hope you're prepared 'cause you'll need at least 12 months of preparation for everything they throw at us" Charlie said grinning 

"Yeah and you'll need 6 months of therapy once you're finished here" Meeks finished as Neil puts up a poster by their window, Todd did a double take as he looked at the poster, he felt his chest contract as he read the infamous words; "Carpe Diem".

"It means 'Seize the day'" Neil said noticing Todd staring at it, he flashed a smile at Todd and Todd nodded mechanically as a reply.    
 

 _Carpe Diem_. 

Even hearing the phrase made Todd feel as if someone tore open his chest, reaching into his chest just to tear at his heart, leaving it in shreds. He rapidly blinked back the tears and scowled himself for nearly breaking down once again, he turned to his laptop to distract himself from it all, to lose himself in writing. As if sensing Todd's discomfort and heartache, Charlie stood up capturing the attention of everyone to Todd's surprise, he imagined Neil as the leader of the group rather than Charlie but he could see the appeal of Charlie as a leader. Charlie was truly and terrifyingly outgoing and he appeared to be overflowing with confidence. 

"Fellas I'm starved" Charlie announced and Todd felt a wave of gratefulness towards Charlie rush over him as the others nodded in agreement. Almost like sheep, they followed Charlie out of the room.

"Todd, you coming?" Neil asked lagging back, Todd grimaced and shook his head mumbling "No thank you".

"Okay then. Suit yourself" Neil said shrugging before rushing after the others. 

_Inhale. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.  
Exhale. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten._

_Don't even think about Todd,_ he warned himself as he glanced back at poster, Carpe Diem was mocking him.

**_Seize the day._ **

He clicked his tongue a few times as he bounced through each open tab, nothing catching his attention or distracting him from his bullet train thoughts. With a sigh, he opened up a new table and typed in Gmail and quickly signed into his old Gmail account, the account that brought him enough hassle in the last year alone, never mind a lifetime. He held his breath as he waited for the page to load up, which seemed to be taking forever, and let it go with a sigh as he stared at the loaded page.  The last email from @Carpediem was from May, the email that completely destroyed the remains of the old Todd.

_"I can't do this anymore"_

He felt his throat tighten and his eyes burned with tears that threatened to spill any second. Before Todd knew it, he was sobbing into his pillow. He sobbed for Carpe Diem, for his friends he left behind, for his old life. He sobbed until his eyes felt puffy and sore and his throat grew raw and tired.  When Neil returned half an hour later, Todd pretended to be asleep.

_God he hated Hellton._


	2. Chapter 2: Little Lion Man ~ Mumford & Sons

 

 

> _Rate yourself and rake yourself, take all the courage you have left._
> 
> _And waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head. ([X](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLJf9qJHR3E))_

As Neil navigated through the crowd he held his drink close to his chest, wincing as elbows collided into him as people pushed and shoved their way passed him, the threat of his beer splashing or spilling on his brand new shirt was dangerously high, and he smiled and nodded at people who greeted him. The vibrations of the music pulsed through his body, the familiar and contagious laughter of his friends and peers boomed all around him and he could help but chuckle along. A girl with striking red hair, that fell in loose ringlets around her face, and shocking red lipstick stumbled against him, she placed a hand on his arm and steadied herself. She grinned at him and leaned over and he could smell her perfume, it was overwhelmingly and sickeningly sweet. 

"Great party huh?" she pressed her mouth against Neil's ear, trying to be heard over the pounding of the music and Neil felt an easy smile slip itself onto his face and he nodded. It was a tradition for Welton and the all-girls school near Welton -Henley Hall- to throw a party in someone's house before term began for scandalous hook ups and to basically leave their last night of freedom with a bang. Everyone old enough and wise enough sneaked out of Hellton after lights out and made a dashing run for the gate before they close shut for the night, there was an old rumor that if you didn't reach the gates in time Nolan would come after you with expulsion papers signed and sealed in his hand, but Neil had a sneaky suspicious that Nolan didn't give a shit about what they did at night, all Nolan really cared about was maintaining the high grade average and the success rate Welton had. 

"What did you say your name was?" she asked sliding her hand further up his arm, stopping at his bicep. He willed himself to feel _anything_ other than uncomfortable.

"I didn't" Neil trailed, moving away from her wondering hands and he let out an awkward chuckle. Her bright blue eyes trailed up and down his body and Neil took a large gulp of his drink. 

"There's a lot of pretty girls here" she said in a low tone 

"Yep" Neil added looking down at his drink, there was pretty girls here and _she_ was a pretty girl. She looked at him hopefully - with a hint of desperation - and he felt himself blush

"You could get lucky tonight" she added as he glanced around, looking for an escape from possibly the world's most awkward conversation. 

 "Oh look, there's my friends" Neil said, sighing with relief as he spotted his misfit friends from across the room and he quickly made his way over to them. As he took in the sight of his friends he felt his mood instantly brighten, he felt himself shake with laughter as he took in his friend's current state; Charlie, or "Nuwanda", had lipstick stains scattered all over his face and he had his arms thrown around a small, petite girl who was telling Charlie her name was Tina and not Rebecca. Knox was hugging a plastic cup close to him and mumbling about "the most beautiful girl" he's ever seen, with "incredible eyes" and the "greatest bum" as well, to anyone who'll listen to him. Meeks and Pitts were discussing the meaning of life, Meeks - like Charlie - had lipstick stains scattered all over his face and Pitts was wearing Meeks's glasses and lipstick smeared all over his lip. When he reached them, Charlie gasped out and immediately embraced Neil.

"The prodigal son has returned" he bellowed dramatically before smashing his lips to Neil's, Neil instantly recoiled and pushed him off.

* * *

 There's times where Neil feels like everything is closing around him, his thoughts whirling painfully around his head as his breath quickens so much that he finds it hard to breathe, it's almost like he's drowning. Tonight it all started over a game of seven minutes in Heaven, Charlie's suggestion - obviously, since it was a game that 12 year olds play and he has the mental stability of a 12 year old - he was standing in the dark closet, his eyes trying to adjust to the dark when the door opened and in walked a small blonde. Before he could even breathe hello, she latched onto like a leech, marking him with red lipstick on his cheeks, the side of his mouth, his neck and collar and lastly his lips. Her cold hands unpleasantly ran freely over his body, making him shiver. He grabbed her wrists and held them at her side and lightly shoved her away. She barely finished her question ("What the fuck is wrong with you?") when he darted out of the closet and into the bathroom, locking himself inside. 

 _What the fuck is wrong with you?_ he asks himself, staring at his reflection in the mirror. His grip tightened on the sink, his knuckles turned white as a headache pounded and throbbed between his eyes and he pinched the bridge of his nose and shut his eyes. 

_Boys aren't supposed to like boys Neil, it's **disgusting**. It's not **normal**. _

His Father's voice, dripping with disdain, whirled around his head and he felt his eyes prickle with tears. Why couldn't he be like Knox or Charlie or Meeks or Pitts who noticed girls and their "amazing long legs" and their "fantastic bums" and their "pretty eyes"? Why couldn't he be normal?

"C'mon man" someone called, banging on the door. He turned on the tap and let it run as he tried to calm down his breath, he glanced at his reflection again before forcing a small smile onto his face. He turned to the door and awkwardly fumbled with the lock until the door opened, he stepped out and was immediately shoved aside as someone rushed in.

"Neil" Charlie called after him as he pushed his way through the crowd, ignoring the glares people shot at him as he pushed passed them, Neil waved him off and muttered something about "needing fresh air". The sudden appeal of the party washed away and was replaced with nausea, his stomach churned from the over powerful stench of BO and cheap perfume and smoke as he pushed through the barrier of sweaty people. His head was spinning in sync with his stomach. He stumbled and pushed and tripped his way up the stairs, groaning each time his shin hit the wood step and he stumbled into an empty bedroom. He sighed and pushed his hair back from his face. He was disgustingly sweaty, his back was practically drenched in sweat. He inhaled sharply before making his way over to the window and he opened it widely, he let the cool, late summer breeze wash over him. 

"Neil?" a familiar voice asked, he turned his head and saw Lawson leaning against the door to the en suite bathroom, a flask frozen against his lips and Neil felt himself swallow the lump in his throat. Lawson was devilishly handsome, with uncontrollable tousled blonde hair and vivid green eyes and Neil was, as always, in complete awe of him, his typical white t-shirt and black skinny jeans were doing wonders for him tonight, his t-shirt was showing off his tan that he inherited during the summer and his smirk brought out his dimples, which once left him flustered.

"You look like you need this" he said, handing him his flask and Neil looked between the flask and Lawson before taking it. He hesitatingly took a sip, feeling the alcohol burning his throat as it slipped down it and he looked Lawson up and down, he's grown a few inches during the summer and he lost a lot of baby fat in his face, showing off cheekbones and a jawline that Neil didn't know existed on Lawson. 

"I heard you're captain this year" Lawson said taking the flask off him and taking his own sip, he watched him with an intense stare that left him feeling flustered. He felt his cheeks reddening and he cleared his throat as Lawson sat down beside him on the bed. He was suddenly conscious of _everything,_ like how his shirt was practically stuck to his back and how there was red lipstick staining his neck and collar and how he could still taste the small blonde from the closet, she tasted _horrible_ like rancid oranges and cigarettes. It was the worst combination ever and he's 99% sure it turned him off smoking and oranges for life. 

"Co-captain, me and Charlie are co-captains" he corrected as Lawson handed his the flask and he took a mouthful before handing it back. Lawson flashed him a smile and Neil felt himself smile back. The pair continued passing the flask to each other as they chatted aimlessly about lacrosse and summer and Welton, they sat side by side and Neil tried not to notice how their arms were brushing against each other. He felt it, what he was searching for so desperately in girls; attraction. Lawson watched him with an intense gaze that left a coil of something that he could only describe as pleasurable in the pit of his stomach.

"Have- have you ever thought about boys?" Neil found himself ask, his throat suddenly felt tight and felt his neck flush warmly, he glanced down at the flask and took a swig. Lawson took the flask off him. He closed his eyes, waiting for the sharp blow of Lawson's fist. He was going to get beat up, he just knows it, what the hell was he thinking asking _Lawson_ if he thought about boys? 

"I do" Lawson said before taking a sip and Neil watched him, tongue-tied. Lawson glanced at Neil with a raised eyebrow and he felt his neck flush warmly. Lawson leaned into Neil, stopping halfway there. It was up to him, if he wanted it he'll have to finish the move. Neil glanced down at his lips and instantly wetted his own and he leaned in until their lips collided.

It was his first proper kiss with a boy (he wasn't going to count the time when he and Charlie were ten) and it was teeth awkwardly clanking against one another and unsure tongues but it was possibly the best kiss he has had in his life so far. 

The door creaked open a jar and Charlie's head popped around it, his eyes scanned the room before landing on them and Neil scrambled away from Lawson, ignoring the hurt look he shot in his direction

"Neil" Charlie said nonchalant, as if it was everyday he walked in on his best friend kissing a boy "I think it's time to bring Knoxious home".

Neil stands there frozen for a brief moment before nodding and straightening his shirt, he cleared his throat and nodded. He hurried out the door, refusing to look back at Lawson and Charlie and made his way downstairs. Charlie appeared at his side in a matter of seconds and he glanced back and to his relief, Lawson wasn't trailing after him. Charlie stared at Neil waiting for an explanation, his steel stare cut through the facade he often tried to keep up and Neil sighed, knowing it was useless trying to hide things from Charlie.

"I'm not gay Charlie" he groaned finally giving into to him and Charlie smirked

"Not with _that fucking_ attitude, you're not". 

 

"Her eyes are like- wow!" Knox tells Neil, Neil glances at Charlie in amusement, who chuckled and shook his head slightly

"Come on Knoxious" Charlie said wrapping an arm around Knox's waist and pulled him to his feet, Neil put Knox's arm around his neck and - like Charlie- wrapped an arm around Knox and they began walking back to Welton. Pitts and Meeks walked ahead of them, chatting aimlessly about some girl and for the first time tonight, Neil isn't remotely bothered by his indifference to girls. 

"And her hair- wow!" Knox said causing Charlie and Neil to exchange a smirk

"Might need to learn new adjectives, bud" Neil said and Charlie snorted with laughter. They practically carried Knox back to Hellton, trying not to slip or fall with the added weight of their friend. Charlie kept encouraging Knox to talk about this girl, not that he needed anymore encouraging, which left Neil with a slight headache as Knox told him for the billionth time that she was "wow". But as Neil walked in the slight chill of the night, with his friends and the added weight of Knox, he realized he missed his friends a lot this summer, he has grown so used to them being around that it was eerily strange when Charlie wouldn't burst into his room at a ridiculous time in the morning to tell him a stupid plan that could possibly get them in trouble, or worst expelled or when Knox didn't randomly walk into his room to tell him something but then forget and walk back out before returning five seconds later or when Pitts didn't come into his room with his face bright red as he asks for help with "wooing the women" or when Meeks didn't walk into his room to blow off steam about whatever Charlie said that irritated him as he helped Neil work on his Latin. In the last couple of years, these idiots, this bunch of misfits slowly became Neil's family rather then his friends. 

"Why so smiley Riley?" Knox asked in a slur as he poked Neil's cheek

"Who the fuck is Riley?" Charlie exclaimed.

* * *

 

"Mr. Perry, Welton Society Candidates, Chemistry club, Mathematics club, lacrosse and no school annual?" Nolan said glancing up from his paper and Neil felt his jaw clench before nodding automatically

"Yes sir, no school annual" he practically spat out ignoring the sideways glance Charlie gave him.

"Mr. Anderson, based on your record from your previous school, you'll be doing track, Service Club and School annual. Anything else I need to know about?" Nolan said looking up at Todd and Todd suddenly turned into an abundance of stampers and stutters in Nolan's office. Neil felt Cameron shake with laughter and he fought off the urge to punch him before glancing at the beetroot faced boy beside him

"Speak up Mr. Anderson" Nolan snapped and Neil could practically feel the heat radiating from Todd as he appeared to blush deeper, he focused on what the meek boy was trying to gasp out 

"I'll prefer rowing" Neil heard him say and he cleared his throat

"He said he'll prefer rowing....sir" he found himself answering for him and Nolan glared at Todd then glanced down at the file in front of him

"It says here, you did track"

"I... I did...but" Todd said, his voice breaking slightly, making Neil wince as it did. _He's not going to last a day in Hellton - never mind the year_ , he found himself thinking. 

"You'll enjoy Track here Mr. Anderson" Nolan said closing the file and dismissing them. They filed out of the room when he felt a slight tug on his blazer, he turned around and instantly smiled at the boy who refused to make eye contact. Neil was good with people and _talking_ to people but Todd made it irritatingly difficult for him, he took everything that made talking to people easy away from him. Todd refused to make eye contact and he only gave one worded answers and he muttered quietly that Neil had to strain his ears to hear him talk. He looked at Todd and he raised his eyebrows as he waited for him to talk, Todd flushed and glanced down 

"Thanks" he mumbled too quietly that Neil barely hears it.

_He's definitely **not** going to last the year._

 "Todd if you want to make it around here, you gotta speak up. The meek might inherit the earth but they don't get into Harvard, you know?" the words fell out of Neil's mouth and immediately regretted it as the quiet boy's expression darkened and blush reappeared on his cheeks. With a sharp and deadly glare, Todd turned on his heel and stormed away from him leaving him standing dumbfounded. 

"Hate to see him go, love to watch him leave" Charlie jeered jokingly followed by a low whistle and Neil felt his breath catch in his throat, choking him. The others erupted into chuckles and giggles at Charlie, who was clearly showboating, and Neil felt a twinge of fury spike through him before he glared at Charlie

"He's not going to be the punchline to your jokes Charlie" he spat out causing the others to stop laughing and glanced at Charlie, who's jaw was clenched and arms folded, the mischief long gone from his dark eyes.

"Get off your high horse Neil" Charlie retorted "Oh and it's _Nuwanda_ " 

* * *

On Friday, Todd's mother remembered to call him. When he saw "Mom" flashing on his screen as his phone vibrated and buzzed, he had an overwhelming urge to press ignore on the call but decided against it. He preferred his mother to his father after all, she wouldn't compare Todd to Jeff like his father often did, instead she'll look at him as if he was a riddle that she can't find the answer to and for some reason Todd preferred that look to his father's voiced opinions of Todd and comparisons of the brothers, he thought perhaps it was because the look meant she thought of him.

"Hello? Todd?" the distant, familiar voice asked. Todd rolled his eyes,  _who else Mom?_  he thought sarcastically.

"Yes Mom, it's me" he sighed. There was a brief silence from the other side and Todd wondered if she had heard him 

"How are you finding Welton?"

_I hate it, it's literally Hell. I want to come home, please let me come home._

"It's okay"

"That's good" she said over enthusiastically that it made Todd cringe slightly before humming in response. Another brief silence washed over them, she obviously expected Todd to go into more detail and Todd couldn't help but wonder if he read too much into those confused looks she often cast towards Todd, maybe she didn't think about him in the way he imagined she thought about him, maybe she thought,  _what went wrong? Or did I bring the wrong baby home with me?_

"What's your roommate like?" she asked brushing over the silence and Todd suppressed a groan and glanced at the door, waiting for Neil to arrive on his cue because Neil was good at that, good at appearing out of nowhere when Todd thought of Neil and Neil alone. He'll arrive, beaming at Todd with a smile that made Todd's heart ache and made him feel important, as if he's  _someone_ to notice. 

"My roommate is...." Todd began but then wondered how'll he'll explain Neil to his mother. To his mother, Neil Perry would be seen as the alternative version of Todd, the version she and his father so desperately wanted him to be. As the week progressed, Todd began noticing how Neil was everything his parents wanted him to be and more, he was like Jeff in many ways. He was loved by everyone, every student and teacher beamed when they saw Neil and said hello because people like Jeff and Neil had that effect on them, he was a natural born leader and people  _listened_ to him and followed him because it was easy to follow him, Helleven he found himself following Neil sometimes. Girls  _swooned_ over Neil, he noticed girls lined up against the fence when they had extra curricular activities, they watching eagerly while Neil, Charlie and the rest of the lacrosse team practiced and when Todd had to run by them he often heard them whisper excitedly and giddily about Neil. Neil was also extremely intelligent and an overachiever, he took on many extra curricular activities and somehow he still his top of the class in every subject and he also somehow managed to find time to sleep as well. Todd found himself wondering how Neil could possibly have the time to do it all when he was struggling,  
  
"Todd?Are you still there?" his mother's voice said down the phone, preventing Todd's trail of thought from continuing

"Um yeah....my roommate is....well he's nice" he struggled to get the words out.

"Did you make any friends?" she asked the dreaded question. Despite knowing the answer, Todd knew he had to make it up, pretend he has friends so his mother wouldn't waste any more of her time wondering if Todd was at least normal.

"A few" he replied with a shrug even though his mother couldn't see him.

"That's good, oh Todd I was so worried" she sighed into the phone and Todd felt himself wince slightly.

"You don't have to worry about me mom, I can take care of myself" Todd replied feeling his heart turn slightly heavy as he lied to his mother

"I know you can darling, it's just after what happened last year... I can't help but feel... anxious" she said, _you and me both_ Todd found himself thinking as he listened to his mother yap aimlessly about Jeff and his new girlfriend. Neil walked in, with Charlie in tow, when Todd finally managed to get his mother off the phone.  

"Hey Todd, we're going to get some dinner, wanna come?" Neil asked and his smile falters slightly when Todd shook his head. Todd notices an amused smirk etch itself onto Charlie's face before he nudged Neil, without a word they left the room. Todd watched them leave and as they did, he concluded; he didn't want to be friends with Neil, despite Neil's constant attempts to be friends, because Todd doesn't want to drown in someone else's shadow again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why has it been a month since you updated? I hear you ask. College has been piling on the work lately so I was extremely busy and stressed out about course work and life in general, like I love the course I'm doing but I kinda want to do creative writing or journalism or something with English because I actually miss writing big ass essays about why the poet described the curtain as blue. And I went to see All Time Low a few days ago and they were amazing!! It's seriously unfair how they sound even better live and Rian killed it on the drums, seriously I was so worried that his hands would fall off or something during one of the songs and they played Missing you and I nearly cried and I also nearly died in a mosh pit. BUT MOVING ON!!! The original idea for this chapter was a bit out there and it seemed a bit unrealistic so I got rid of that idea altogether and had to come up with a new one, the idea kept changing in my head and I have about a thousand drafts of this one chapter on my laptop. I wanted this chapter to be Neil coming to terms with his sexuality and to be a sorta experimental chapter, to see if I could write as Neil so let me know if I did a decent enough job. And I know Henley hall isn't an all girls school but it is in this because it's an AU. I will hopefully post another chapter within this week and next cause after that, I will be extremely busy working on my short film.


	3. 21 Guns ~ Green Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with the long chapter.

 

 

> _Did someone break your heart inside, you're in ruins ([x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r00ikilDxW4))_

September flew by in a sluggish blur which consisted of eating, sleeping and work.

They weren't joking when they called Welton Academy "Hellton" because that's exactly what it was, Hell and Nolan was definitely the fucking Devil and the teachers - with the exception of Keating - were his hellhounds, ready to pounce and attack them with a mountain of unnecessary homework. His social life was pathetic (not that he expected anything else), he struggled to make friends in his old school but here, it was a complete disaster. Everyone in Hellton has either started Hellton together which meant they _knew_ each other and had little inside jokes and stories and quite frankly, Todd didn't want to intrude on them and make himself feel awkward and possibly even more like an outcast. Or they simply didn't want to invite the weird, quiet and socially awkward boy who wasn't able to string a sentence together without stuttering, into their group. Todd didn't blame them. He didn't really care either, lack of social life gave him an excuse to sleep more and waste the evening on Tumblr. Not only has Hellton drained him physically, mentally and emotionally but it's also drained him of his creativity, he hasn't updated since his arrival at Hellton because he was either too busy or his mind was cramped with writers block. Also the internet connection was pretty shitty, he was 90% sure it was so slow from people - mainly Charlie - streaming porn. But hey, who's he to judge? 

"Todd! Hey!" Neil greeted announcing his arrival to breakfast, Todd looked up from Hellton's pathetic excuse of porridge, it was a grayish lump sitting in lukewarm milk and he's pretty sure cardboard tasted better than it, and forced a half smile onto his face. Neil stood at the end of the table, smiling - always smiling - at him and Todd felt a surge of jealousy wash over him. The Welton uniform was....okay and that was putting it nicely, and not many people could pull it off. There was a handful of people who could, and _of course_ , Neil Perry was one of them. His uniform was well kept, with an abundance of achievement pins scattered neatly on his blazer, the same blazer that fitted him wonderfully by showing how well built he was. 

"You left early, so I never got the chance to invite you to join us for breakfast" Neil admitted chuckling slightly as he glanced at Spaz and Cameron before looking back at Todd with a sheepish smile and it threw Todd off for a brief second, sheepish was not a word people would use to describe Neil Perry.

"Yeah, sorry about that" Todd sighed focusing his gaze on his porridge, his stomach churned at the sight of it and his appetite immediately vanished and he shoved the bowl away from him.

"Maybe you could join us for lunch? Yeah?" Neil suggested, pushing the plate of cold toast towards Todd.

"Maybe"

"Great, see you later...I guess" Neil said shoving his hands into his trousers pockets and nodded firmly before walking back to the table usually preoccupied by Neil and his friends.

That's how conversations between Neil and Todd usually went nowadays, Neil persistent suggestions to hang out and Todd's constant "maybe"s. They didn't talk about anything else, perhaps a handful of questions about homework in the evenings but other than that, they didn't talk. Todd often found himself lying in his narrow, creaky bed with questions for Neil hanging on the tip of his tongue but instead of asking, he swallows them and turns to face the wall. 

Todd sighed and reached for a piece of toast. 

* * *

There was a buzz of excitement in the room, people sat at their desks practically twitching with excitement as if English class was a concert they were all waiting for months for or as if it was the season premier of the new season of Sherlock. Mr. Keatings teaching methods has changed something in the school, even Todd noticed it, there were murmurs and whispers between different years about his class, 3rd graders ran up to Freshmen, yapping aimlessly about how Keating allowed them to have class outside and Sophomores walked with Seniors down the hall, debating if Sylvia Plath or Robert Frost was the better poet.

 A tune sang in a low whistle disrupts the chatter in the classroom and automatically every head, including Todd's, turn to their wired teacher. Mr. Keating stood at the door and when all eyes were on him, he practically pranced to the top of the class while whistling a tune Todd once heard his father whistle. When he got to the top of the classroom, the student's eyes still following him, he sat on the edge of his desk and folded his arms.  

"Now tell me gentlemen, why do we read and write fiction?" he questioned, leaning forward and he scanned the room,Todd's eyes dropped to his copy and he sank down into chair. His heart palpitated uncontrollably in his chest and blush seared the back of his neck.   

"To create literature" Cameron piped up and a balled up page hits him in the side of his face, chuckles rippled from the back of the room and someone mutters "Great shot, Dalton".

"Mr. Dalton? Why do you read and write fiction?"

"To express my....erotic self, sir" Charlie replied confidently with a smirk etched onto his face, groans erupt from the other boys and heads turned to Keating, waiting for some sort of discipline. Instead, to everyone's disbelief, Keating chuckled and shook his head.

"Charming, Mr. Dalton...anyone else?"

"To explore new worlds" Meeks chimed in and Keating nodded encouragingly before standing up and walking around the room. Todd's mouth dried and his stomach twisted whenever Keating walked near his desk. He kept his eyes locked on his copy, _it's okay_ he told himself, _if I don't look him in the eye, he won't ask me_.

"And to explore old ones" someone called out and Keating nodded and waved his hand, indicating people to answer up. Todd thought about himself, why does _he_ write fanfiction and poetry and pieces of fiction? Why does he spend hours upon hours, sitting in an uncomfortable chair, agonizing over whether or not it'll be good enough? Why does he stay up until 2:20 AM, writing about how he made him feel, instead of sleeping? Or write paragraphs upon paragraphs about the color of his eyes because people tend to ignore the beauty and brilliance of brown eyes, instead of telling him?

_To be somewhere else._

"To set ourselves free"

_To be someone else, to not be Todd Anderson for a while._

"To show people what it's like in our heads" 

"To contribute to the powerful play" 

"Excellent Mr. Perry, anyone else?" Keating asked as he stopped right in front of Todd's desk, Todd glances up at his teacher and meets a questionable look.

_To disappear._

The answer gets weighed down at the tip of his tongue -like always- and he drops his gaze back to his copy, his cheeks inflamed and his throat painfully tight. Keating walks back to his desk and cleared his throat loudly, grabbing the attention of everyone who immediately quietened once again.

"All of those reasons, yes including Mr. Dalton's, are the reasons why we read and write fiction. We are members of the human race, we read and write fiction to express ourselves, to find ourselves and to perhaps even create alternative and better universes than the one we are in now. We write fiction to, as Mr. Perry put it, to contribute to the powerful play, to leave our mark on the world, a mark that will survive long after we're gone. Now for this weeks assignment-" Keating's ramble was interrupted by the collective groans of the students, the illusion of a fun class breaks at the word assignment and people lose interest or pay attention halfheartedly, handfuls of them immediately turn to the window to stare longingly out it, Hopkins returns to eating his sandwich that he has poorly hidden on his lap, Charlie returns to throwing spit balls at Cameron and sometimes Spaz and Meeks returns to doing his maths homework.

"Now, now gentlemen, before you all go dilly dally on me note this, this assignment grade will go towards your Christmas results" Keating said as he turns towards the blackboard and picks up a piece of chalk.

"How much?"

"20%" Keating replied as he wrote on the board, another chorus of collective groans bellowed out but they reluctantly returned their attention back to Keating.

"For this assignment, you'll be paired off and to get your creative juices flowing, I have created the scenario for you. I want you to create a story using this scenario and write it _together_ , trading between paragraphs. The story can branch off into anything, gentlemen, it can become an alien invasion or a new World War or a twisted fairy tail but it must start with this scenario and for the love of God and all that is Holy, keep the characters to a limit! My old brain will struggle trying to keep up with the Brady bunch in an apocalyptic universe with werewolves and vampires reproducing a were-pire hybrid. Anyways, the scenario is on the board and please take this down fellows"

Another chorus of collective groans bellowed out but they reluctantly wrote down the scenario.

"I dibs Neil" Charlie announced after a few minutes and Todd wondered if it was possible for Charlie to stay quiet for at least five seconds. 

"You can't just dibs me, Charlie. In fact I am undibsable" Neil fired back as Todd glanced around the room, wondering who he'll have the balls to ask, Meeks and Pitts would probably work together, Knox seemed to be nodding at Hopkins and well, Neil was dibsed, so he was left with the safe option, Spaz or Cameron? He glanced at Spaz just in time to see him sneeze and snot landing on his copy, he grimaced and glanced at Cameron. Definitely Cameron then.

"Actually Mr. Dalton, they will be no dibs in this assignment. I have created a secret poll in my head and have partnered you all up according to this brilliant poll" Keating announced before reciting off pairs and Todd felt his stomach twist nervously and he stared at the ground, hoping for it to split open so he can swan-dive into the pits of Hell.

"Mr. Anderson and Mr. Dalton" he announced and Todd glanced back at Charlie, who stared back at Todd with his signature smirk etched onto his face and instantly Todd's stomach dropped.

* * *

Todd rotates lunch between hiding in the library or having lunch with Mr. Keating in his class, drinking tea and talking about poetry, books and the class lesson. Sometimes they don't talk, Todd sits at his desk while Keating tidies up the class room and his office and Keating doesn't question him about friends - or lack of friends - instead he plays old records to fill the silence and Todd likes that. When Keating is too busy grading work or preparing for his next class, Todd would hide out in the library, playing _Chicken Invaders_ on the ancient computer while he waits for lunch bell. He would of preferred going back to his room but Neil is usually there with Charlie or Knox and he doesn't want to intrude. 

Todd walked with his eyes downcast to the ground as he navigated his way to Keating's classroom. Everyone else around him pushed and jostled their way to the dining hall, he kept to the wall to avoid getting trampled or tripped by people around him until someone stood on the heel of his shoe and he tumbled to the floor, while his satchel slides across the hall. Blush immediately seared his cheeks and neck as a few people around him chuckled and stepped around him. Cursing quietly under his breath, he pushed himself to his feet, trying to avoid the amused glances and sneers shot in his direction 

"Oh shit, oh God! I'm so, so, so, so sorry" a voice rambled on and on from behind him and he turned and cleared his throat, cutting him off. He was taller than Todd, with tousled blonde hair, bright green eyes and a jawline for days. He also was working a five o'clock shadow. Blush colored his slightly tanned face and he shuffled slightly on his feet before bending down and picking up Todd's satchel. He practically shoves it into Todd's arms and gives him a small smile.

"Sorry, again. I wasn't really watching where I was going and I'm really sorry. I'm Lawson by the way, you're Todd right? Todd Anderson?" Lawson rambled out thrusting a hand out to Todd to shake and Todd nodded and shook his hand.

"You used to go to school with my sister, her name was Bethany but she went by Beth" he added and Todd nodded, slugging his satchel onto his shoulder and he glanced around, edging to get away from Lawson who was rambling on about his sister.

"Anyways, I went off on a tangent. I just wanted to let you know that she kinda told me what happened last year and I think what happened was really shitty, like seriously really shitty" Lawson rushed out and Todd felt his heart rate spike and a wave of nausea hit him like a tsunami wave.

"Hey Todd? You okay?" 

* * *

 

At first he didn't realize he was being blackmailed.

It happened in December, he sat in the library as he waited for his mother to pick him up from school, it was snowing heavily and she was running late. It didn't bother him, he worked on his homework as he waited for his phone to ding, announcing her arrival so he could finally get out of this hell hole and go home to his warm sanctuary otherwise known as his room. He was itching to write, an idea of a one shot popped in his head and his brain worked too quickly with the building of the plot that he feared he would forget majority of it when he got home. 

"I read your emails" Andy Flynn, captain of the football team said casually. Todd's head snapped up from his work and he glanced around the room, his eyes landing on Andy who was leaning against one of the bookshelves. Andy Flynn was the typical type jock, tall and bulky with black slicked back hair and ice cold blue eyes. He constantly looked like he was sneering at anyone that glanced in his direction.

"Me?" Todd stamped out, sinking down into his seat as Andy walked towards him. 

"Who else _faggot_?" Andy sneered as he towered over him and Todd couldn't help but wince at the foul name that slipped out of Andy's mouth so easily.

"You read my email?" Todd gasped out in bewilderment, sinking further down into his chair and hot tears prickled behind his eyes but he swallowed them back. He was not going to cry in front of Andy Flynn. He never felt more violated in his life, not even when Lacey Miller kissed him without asking him for permission in the courtyard in 3rd grade, not even when Jeff pulled down his swimming shorts when they were on holiday in France. His stomach churned as Andy fell into the chair beside him and smirked at him.

"It was _your_ own fault, Anderson. You left your account open and I used the computer right after you and when I typed in Gmail, your account popped up. You should have logged out" Andy told him and Todd blushed darkly and shoved his book into his bag and stood up abruptly, the chair nearly tumbling over and mumbled something about needing to get his jacket from his locker. Andy gripped his elbow tightly and pushed him back into his chair and a gasp escaped Todd's mouth. His heart beating uncontrollably in his chest and his breath quickened. 

"So who is "carpediem"? Your queer boyfriend?" Andy asked throwing an arm around Todd's shoulder and Todd felt himself pale.

Suddenly he realized it wasn't just about him and Andy Flynn, carpediem, who was painfully closeted like him with a homophobic asshole of a father, was also in this. He thought about the nights he stayed up with carpediem, pleading and promising that it'll be okay in the future, once they're out of their family homes they can finally be who they are. He thought of the panicky emails he got when carpediem almost came out. He thought about the days and nights when carpediem was too upset, about hiding who he truly is, to reply to Todd's constant emails.

Those days were the worst. 

"Why are you doing this?" Todd practically cried out as Andy squeezed him too tightly, he could feel the slight bruises forming underneath his grip.

"Anyways, I'm failing a few classes and Coach said if my grades don't go up, I won't be allowed to play anymore" Andy said ignoring Todd, he paused and glanced around the room before leaning in closer to Todd, he could smell his overused aftershave and he forced down a gag.

"And?" 

"And if I can't play, I'll lose my scholarship and without my scholarship I won't be able to get into college" Andy continues nonchalant, slipping his hand into a pocket in his letterman jacket 

"And?"

"And if you don't want people to find out about "carpediem" then I suggest you help me out a little" Andy answered, taking out a USB stick and waving it in front of his face. Todd's stomach dropped and from Andy's smirk he could tell he either copied or screenshot the emails to the USB. He made a grab from the USB and Andy slipped it back into his pocket and tsked him condescendingly. 

"You....you want me to tutor you?" Todd stuttered out and Andy threw his head back and barked out a loud laugh causing Todd to jump slightly.

"In your wildest dreams Anderson, you're going to do my assignments for me"

"What? No!" Todd stammered out shaking his head, Andy leaned forward, pressing his lips to his ear

"If you want your _closeted_ secret to be...well closeted then you'll do what I say ' _theonelesstravelled_ '" Andy murmured in his ear, a shiver ran up Todd's spine and he leaned away, Andy let out a low chuckle before standing up.

"See you around" Andy promised, smirking as he made his way out of the library.

 He met carpediem on Tumblr, carpediem posted a poem about being repressed in today's society and Todd liked it, he somehow mustered up the courage to leave him a message, telling him how he really liked the poem and how he could relate. After a few replies they exchanged emails and somewhere down the line they decided to put a label on what they were, they constantly planned to meet up but carpediem wasn't ready to come out yet and in a way, Todd wasn't either.

For the next few weeks, Todd was drowning in homework, he barely had time to sleep and eat never mind reply to carpediem's emails but luckily for him Andy wasn't in any AP classes. Andy's grades skyrocketed while his slowly plummeting that even his father started questioning him about it. It wasn't until he failed an English assignment that his English teacher approached him, wondering if everything was okay and suddenly Todd exploded, he told him everything and instantly regretted it. He tried begging and pleading his teacher to not report Andy to the principal but he did and Andy got dropped from the team and suspended. Todd was left waiting in an anxious bubble, waiting for it to pop and his whole life to be turned upside down but Andy didn't post the emails and soon Todd stopped worrying about it. 

He was sitting in his room, scrolling through Tumblr when his bedroom door slammed open and his father stormed in, he grabbed Todd by the scruff of his t-shirt and practically lifted his off his bed, his laptop falling to the ground with a loud _bang_. His father was livid and Todd's stomach churned painfully as his father shoved him to his feet, his legs felt like jelly and like his laptop, he fell to the ground with a loud _bang_. Jeffery rushed into his room and shoved his father away from him and he wearily got to his feet.

"Don't you dare! Don't you fucking dare!" Jeffery practically spat in their father's face and he backed up, standing protectively in front of Todd, glaring at their father. 

"Downstairs. Now." His father commanded before stalking out the door, Jeffery shot Todd a supportive smile before following their father and Todd followed. Jeffery acting as a human shield between their father and Todd and suddenly Todd felt a rush a gratitude overflow him for his brother. He was seeing his real brother now, not the carbon copied one who acting as if he was slightly better than Todd and who only cared about his own success, he was seeing the one who would stay up and marathon the _Harry Potter_ series with him even though he didn't like it as much as Todd did, he was seeing the one who would let Todd win _Mario Kart_ on the days when he was feeling really shitty and it hit Todd like a ton of bricks, how much he missed his older brother Jeff. 

When they got downstairs and into the living room, he saw his mother standing beside the fireplace, black mascara marked her cheeks and suddenly his throat tightens.

"Mom?" he gasped out and her glazed eyes snapped up and looked at him, she waved a hand to the couch and he shakily sat down. That's when he noticed it. 

Jeffery's laptop sat in the middle of the coffee table, he tried to read what was on the screen but he couldn't make it out and he glanced back up at his mother then at Jeffery.

"What's going on?" he asked quietly and his father huffed out a harsh laugh before rushing out of the room, Jeff's eyes followed him and he made a disapproving noise before turning his attention to Todd and he sighed and shoved the laptop towards him. Curiously, he read what was on the screen and his heart sank to the pit of his stomach. There, posted on _Facebook_ , was all his emails to carpediem, he felt his stomach churn as he read the comments smearing the beautiful words exchanged between them into slurs. Tears burned the back of his eyes and as he continued to read, he couldn't hold them in any longer. 

"Oh darling.." his mother breathed before pulling him into a comforting hug as sobs raked his body.

He dreaded returning to school after the midterm, his friends promised him they'll stick by his side throughout the whole thing and a few people message him, saying they think it's "cool" and Todd couldn't help but feel bitter reading those messages. When he walked into school, he received glares from the football team and a handful of other people, some people read out the emails in over-dramatic voices and some boys refused to walk with their back turned to Todd and when they did, they covered their asses with their bags and after track practice people in the changing room would shout "don't drop the soap lads". Girls started swarming him, acting over friendly that it made him sick to his stomach, what was with girls and wanting a gay best friend? It was like some fucked up tend. His friends stayed true to their word, whenever someone would glare at Todd or sneer anything, they would glare back, looking like cats ready to attack and Todd couldn't help but love them for it. Some people told him he "needed Jesus" or "religion" and promised that they'll "pray for him", he tended to avoid those people at all cost.

He forgotten all about Andy Flynn until he reappeared in school after his suspension, he was warned to stay away from Todd but that didn't mean he couldn't shove nasty and threatening notes in his locker between classes or glare at him whenever they walked passed each other. The football team were loyal to a fault as well, they would elbow Todd into the lockers whenever they walked passed him and mutter "faggot" or "gay boy" under their breath.

One day Todd decided to walk home instead of getting a lift with his friend, Nick and he regretted the decision ever since. He was halfway home when he noticed he was being tailed by a few people from the football team and he immediately started walking faster. Suddenly someone yanked on his t-shirt and dragged him back. He was face-to-face with Andy who smirked at him. He wiggled out of the strong grip of whoever was holding and started running. He could hear their footfall echo around him as they chased after him and someone kicked out, hitting him in the ankle. He fell and groaned, clutching his sore ankle, he tried to get up but they surround him. Andy lifted his foot and brought it down on Todd's face, he heard a sickening _crunch_ and a coppery liquid flowed down from his nose and into his mouth, he was struggling to breathe properly as the blood kept flowing into his mouth after he swallowed or spat it out, he tried pleading with them but they refused to listen.

Jeffery found him half an hour later.

After, he refused to return to school, having a panic attack whenever his father tried dragging him to the car in the morning or whenever his mother tried to convince him to go into school. He started locking himself in his room and refused to talk to anyone, his friends stopped calling and texting after a while and his parents stopped trying to get him to finish the school year at school, teachers emailed him the work and he happily did it.

It wasn't until July that his father told him he'll be attending Welton academy instead.

 

* * *

 

"He's hanging out with Spaz and Ginger Pube?" Charlie asked for the umpteenth time and Neil hummed in response, for the umpteenth time. Neil laid on his bed, staring up at the cracked, pale ceiling in his dorm. He chews on his bottom lip and drums his fingers on his stomach to a beat in his head as he waited for Knox to roll their cigarettes. 

"I'm taking offense" Charlie exclaimed dramatically making Neil roll his eyes and Knox huff out a laugh before turning back into Todd's desk, he pulled Todd's laptop closer to him and opened it and it hummed alive.

"You take offense whenever we mention Cameron's name, Charlie" Knox said, refusing to look up from rolling their cigarettes, putting more effort into rolling them then his maths homework. 

"That's 'cause I'm offended over the fact that he was born" Charlie grumbled causing both Neil and Knox to laugh and a lopsided smile appeared on Charlie's face before he turned back to the laptop and he let out a sting of curses.

"Who password protects their laptop?" Charlie exclaimed as he slammed the laptop shut and turned to the others, Knox rolled his eyes to Neil and Neil sighed loudly

"Everyone" he replied and Charlie huffed and stood up.

"Wrong. People who hides things do" Charlie said and Neil felt the end of his bed drip as Charlie sat down

"You password protect your laptop Charlie" 

"Well that's 'cause I have things to hide" Charlie retorted before snapping his fingers at Knox

"C'mon Knoxious, hurry up. Lunch is nearly over"

"Chill, we have study hall next" Knox snapped, throwing his hands up and the tobacco nearly slips out of the rolling paper

"Don't get any tobacco on Todd's bed" Neil warned Knox eyeing Knox's hands wearily, who was sitting on his roommate's obsessively neat bed and Knox hummed. He felt Charlie's gaze searing his face and he sat up slightly and met his gaze with a raised eyebrow. Charlie chuckled and shook his head before leaning back on Neil's legs.

"He's driving you crazy" Charlie mused causing a pregnant silence to fall over them and Knox glanced up and shot a questionable look in Neil's direction before glancing at Charlie.

"Whatcha mean?" Knox asked

"Isn't it obvious?" Charlie teases and instantly Neil stiffens and his throat tightened. Charlie placed a hand on Neil's knee and squeeze it slightly, reassuring him, before sitting up and grabbing the finished cigarette out of Knox's hand and he lit it.

"Well Knoxious, how many people are immune to Golden boy's charm? No one, practically every teacher and student gets a stiffy whenever they are graced to be in the mere presence of the legendary and magnificent Neil Perry"

"And?" Knox asked rolling his eyes before handing Neil his cigarette and Neil took it, he lit it and walked over to the window and opened it, he rolled his eyes as Charlie wiggled his eyebrows at him. Neil takes a long drag out of his cigarette, inhaling deeply allowing the smoke to fill his lungs and he sits down on the radiator.

"Toddikins avoids Neil as if he has the Black Plague...or herpes and that's driving our Golden boy crazy. He's not used to this treatment, he's used to being showered with gold and frankincense and myrrh, he's used to people kissing his feet and proclaiming their undying love for him-"

"Get to your point, Charlie" Neil huffs, smoke coming out of his nose.

"My point is, Neil, you're obsessing over Todd 'cause he's not obsessing over you"

"And you got all that from me telling Knox not to spill tobacco on the bed?"

"Please Neil, give me some credit, I got all that from the the way you are with him. 'Oh Todd, please make me the happiest guy in Welton and eat breakfast with me' and 'Oh Todd, if you'll be my friend I'll make you a friendship bracelet' and all that shit" Charlie replied putting on a poor imitation of Neil's voice causing Knox to cough out a laugh and Neil felt an easy smile tug onto his face

"It's called being nice Charlie, maybe you should try it some time?" Neil suggested mockingly as he grounded his cigarette into the ashtray, just in time for the bell to ring  

"I can't be nice and be myself, that's impossible" 

"That's the thing Charlie, he didn't suggest being yourself" Knox joked shrugging on his bag and taking on last pull from his cigarette before grounding it in the tray

"Now if you'll excuse me ladies, I've got to get maths homework off Meeks" he added before walking out of the room.

As Neil and Charlie made their way to study hall, Neil thought of Todd. Why _was_ he making such a big deal about this? he questioned himself. Perhaps it was because of his eyes. From the first moment he locked eyes with Todd, the dull -almost lifeless- blue eyes haunted him, engraved in his mind that he felt a desperate need to somehow ignite the small spark in his dull eyes. Or perhaps it was the way Todd appeared to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, slightly hunched with the weight of his problems and he wanted to help Todd with that burden. Or perhaps it was his closed off personality, his adamant refusal to let anyone else in, close enough to see through the facade and see his vulnerable side because he let someone in and they damaged him almost beyond repair that now he has chosen to live in the security and the relative freedom of solitude.

"- Meeks could be on lookout and I'll have it in no time" Charlie yammered on aimlessly, not noticing Neil's lack of input on the subject to whatever plan he was concocting

"What are you even talking about?" Neil interrupted Charlie's constant monologue and Charlie shot him an annoyed glance before sighing

"Stealing Anderson's file from Nolan's office" Charlie answered, opening his mouth to repeat his "plan" but Neil cut him off with a glare.

"Why does all your plans involve felony Charlie? We could do the _normal_ thing and try to get to know him"

"Where's the fun in that?" Charlie exclaimed and Neil shook his head as he chuckled slightly. 

"The fun in that is you know, _not_ getting expelled" Neil answered and Charlie hummed unconvincingly

"I'm being serious Charlie, we've only a year left and Nolan's not going to go easy on us this year, not after last time..." Neil trailed off 

"Fine killjoy, I'll be a good.....for like half a term" Charlie sighed running a hand through his hair and ruffling it up slightly, making himself appear more disheveled.

 "I'm going to the bathroom, save me a seat" Neil told Charlie before ducking into the bathroom. 

* * *

Thoughts accelerated inside his head, so fast that it leaves his head spinning and he wants them to slow down so he can focus on breathing properly. His breaths come in gasps and his heart is hammering inside his chest and he feels like blacking out. The room starts to spin causing him to feel nauseous.

"Todd?" an oh-so-familiar voice asked as a firm hand touches his shoulder and squeezes tightly, anchoring him. 

"It's okay Todd, you're just having a panic attack" Neil said softly as he invades Todd's space, the soothing scent of white tea, linen and a hint of honey wafted from Neil, comforting him slightly.

"Look at me, Todd. You'll be fine" he reassured him as he gripped Todd's hand tightly and Todd lifted his head slightly so he was looking into Neil's wide brown eyes. His eyes were focused and determined unlike his wild and unfocused ones.

"Watch" he commanded, moving Todd's hand and placing it on his chest, he could feel the steady rise and fall of Neil's chest and the steady beat of his heart, unnervingly calm. 

"See? This is how you should be, okay?" Neil added firmly before taking Todd's other hand and placing it on his own heaving chest, he could feel his own heart hammering wildly in his chest.

"This is how you are now, we need to get you back to how you should be okay? Think you can do that?" Neil questioned and Todd felt himself nod and Neil let out a slight sigh of relief.

"Okay, just breathe" Neil murmured quietly and Todd let his eyes snap shut, ignoring everything except for Neil's and his own heartbeat.

  _Inhale._

_One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten._

_Exhale._

_One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten._

"Good" Neil hummed as Todd felt his heartbeat slow slightly.

_Inhale._

_One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten._

_Exhale._

_One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten._

When his heartbeat was steady like Neil's, his eyes fluttered open and locked onto Neil's rich chocolate brown ones. They were intimately close, so close that he could feel Neil's body heat radiating from him, he could practically taste the sweet cologne Neil wore on his tongue, enticing him and fogging up his mind and suddenly Todd wanted to confess the significance of the color of his eyes, instead he mutters a "thank you" and rushes out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer!! This is a piece of fiction, so I would NOT recommend doing what Neil did in the last part to someone who has anxiety attacks or panic attacks because they could lash out or feel more trapped and get more anxious!!Instead give them space and be reassuring from a short distance, you don't have to be all up in their grill to be there for them!!
> 
> Anyways, I'm sorry if I get any facts about the school system in America wrong but I'm a wee Irish person who has never been to America and who's school system is completely different from the American one!ANd I'm really sorry if there's some spelling mistakes and whatnot but I'm very sick at the moment.I have a headcanon that Modern setting! Todd wears beanies ( lots and lots of beanies) and lets his hair grow quite shaggy and sometimes (99% of the time) Neil daydreams about tugging on it as he kisses him. Recently I was talking about my #problematicfaves and obviously Charlie is one of them and another one is Murphy from The 100 and now, for some reason, I started shipping Charlie and Murphy.


End file.
